Why did I even care?

So my previous blog talked about my separation situation. Before the separation, our relationship wasn't the greatest. At times it was okay, but many many times it wasn't. That's why I wonder to myself why I even cared that he left. I guess most of it was for Luke's sake or wondering how I would make it without him, seeing I've never been on my own. Erik used to drink all the time out with his buddies, and I used to swear I'd leave him. I never did though, I always stuck with him for some unknown reason. I think he had some kind of hold over me. He made me feel like I couldn't be without him and "needed" him. Even when he tells me he's coming home I didn't like to hear that but part of me wanted him back ... I guess like I said it's all for Luke. But I think some how he has messed with my mind and I am just now seeing thru that fog. He made me feel worhless without him and like I had to follow his every rule and put up with things he did to me.... anyway just kinda want to clear that up...

It's been 7 months.

So I decided to start a blog because .. well, I just need to vent sometimes. July 26th 2009, Erik (my husband) informed me that he wanted a divorce. I was shocked. Yes, we had our fair share of arguing, but for the past two months prior we were doing so well, and had even caught up on our bills and everything. So, I thought he was joking. I told him that. He looked me dead in the eye and said "I don't love you anymore." I asked why why why. I was so heartbroken. I asked him if there was another girl, he said no. He swore there wasn't. For the next 3 days he continued to stay home, but I "had" to sleep on the couch. He told me that he wanted to be separated but still live together. I kinda laughed at that really, ya know?? So, that night, he was staying with his step dad. I called him about every night crying usually, and he said he couldn't take that anymore, he had his own problems. He came to see Luke (our son) usually once a week. We had decided that he would get him on Friday's after work. So, his first Friday of getting him, he said he was going to take him fishing and out to the lake. I sent them on their way. Some of my in-laws called me up and was asking if I wanted to ride around just to get out, I said sure... We rode my the grocery store, and there was his truck, parked with Luke's fishing pole in the back. I was furious. I called him. We talked for a bit and he finally admitted he was with another girl, I was furious.... First lie of many to come. We parked there in the parking lot waiting for them to come back, they never showed. Erik called and said to get home because he knew I was waiting on them, that he had spotted us. We eventually went home. Luke was filthy. Erik was in the other girls car, but she wasn't there. Hmmm. He lied and said it was his friend's sister's car. Knowing she was underage, I said "What are you a pedophile now?" Anyway, we argued a while, don't remember what all was said. But I cried for days. Erik's next "trip" with him that I remember was to Pigeon Forge... with HER and HER SON... That didn't go too well, but he threatened me pretty badly, so I let Luke go with him... and Luke seemed to have fun. Within days, Erik informed me he was moving to TX. Anyway, next thing I remember on that deal was him going, and that day I found out the girl's name and that she herself was married, and that she was going to TX with Erik WITHOUT her son... they were BOTH abandoning their children... This is where the chaos started. Erik found out I knew, so the girl decided to come home to "her family" and it was awful. He was name calling, making accusations, making serious threats. I was devastated. I called the police. They were on their way home back to VA. Threatening me that he was taking Luke... NO WAY. The police did nothing, said it was all talk, which it turned out to be. 2 nights after he got back, Erik told me he was ticked with me for breaking them up, that he was in love with her. I cried right in front of him. I felt like a fool. He didn't love me. Anyway, within days he was back off to TX. I didn't hear much from him until our court date, which was Oct 6th. We had talked some prior via text message about how he was going to spend every day with Luke while he was in. He didn't. The minute he stepped foot back on VA soil, he was out drinking. And stayed that way. He spent 1 day with Luke... for abotu 3 hours... out of 3 days that he was in. He was hungover at court. I got Sole Custody, he got Summer visitation... He swore he would stay in better contact with Luke.... Didn't happen. He called him 2 times in Oct. He called 3 times in November. He called 1 time in December. He called 1 time in January. He hasn't called any so far this month. There are lots of things I have left out so I will fill in ... what i can remember. During the months of Sept-November I was convincing him I loved him and was "sorry" for whatever I had done to make him leave us... In November, he finally told me he loved me and I believed him ... said he would be back for xmas... that never happened... then said he would be in January to stay... never happened... then said to give him 2 weeks, that he had to get a truck ... still hasn't happened. And oh yeah, when he left us, I had been a stay at home mom and was unemployed.... all he has sent us is $250 since he left... Hmmm. He still texts me and tries to convince me he loves me... in my opinion to stop me from getting the child support Luke deserves.... I have finally this month realized he is lying... always has been. I was married to a stranger. And recently, I found him on an online dating site... not that I care... it's just he keeps LYING to me saying he loves me. Well, when I asked him about that... he denied it. Also, I recently found out that the girl he was with is 6 months pregnant.... hmmmmm. I am FINALLY letting go of him... realizing he has controlled me. I am thru with him. Oh yeah, I was also told I have to move, because IF he comes home, I have no right to live here... anyway, I wanted to get that out... I am sure there are things I have left out.... but ... there that is.

...and carried on.

How could my heart
hold on much longer?

If I had just let go,
I would be much stronger.

He told me lies
almost everyday.

But since he left
I'm not okay.

I used to cry,
now there's no use.

Suddenly I feel free
from all abuse.

He tried to control
my every move.

Made me feel bad,
what was there to prove?

I hated myself
for so long.

I just gave up
and carried on.

09/27/09 ADSC

Set Free

At the end of the hall
there's a big dark door,
locked away for years.

Behind the door
are the memories.
The lies, the pain, the fears.

She put them away
so long ago.
Stacked in boxes to the ceiling.

Now one by one
she takes them out
and begins the road to healing.

Matches.
Fire.
Ashes.
That's all she leaves behind.

She swings her ax
takes down the door
and opens up her mind.

06/10/09 ADSC